Hypergamy is Not Feminism: Untangling Modern Dating, Money, and Equality

I have often asked myself this question and I am certain that there are many people out there who still ask: “Is wanting a financially stable partner the same as practicing feminism?”

If you’ve spent any time on social media or in modern dating discourse, you’ve likely seen it: the conflation of feminist principles with a loud, often harsh, emphasis on a partner’s financial status. Statements like “I’m a feminist, so I deserve a man who can fund my lifestyle” or the outright dismissal of “broke men” under the guise of empowerment have become rampant. You see statements like this flying around social media and it appears that everyday, new ‘recruits’ join this misguided cause, contributing to the many errors attributed to the original feminist movement. This has created a significant and damaging confusion and it is time to untangle the threads and state clearly what often gets lost: Hypergamy is not feminism.

While both concepts involve women’s choices, they stem from entirely different places. Understanding the difference is crucial for anyone navigating modern dating with integrity and seeking genuine gender equality.

What Are We Actually Talking About?

My first contact with the term “feminism” was at secondary school when I read Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s Purple Hibiscus – just like many others who read the novel in secondary school. The general understanding of feminism at the time was that it was a movement geared at challenging the stereotype in society where women were subjected to the lower rungs – I mean being assigned roles like caring for the home and raising children in silence. Well, as a university student, I came to the realization that feminism is, at its core, the belief in and advocacy for the social, economic, and personal equality of the sexes. It’s about dismantling systemic barriers so that everyone has the same opportunities and is treated with the same respect, regardless of gender.

How about hypergamy?

Well, I first heard the term in a lecture by Mr. Aghogho Agbamu when I was a 300 level student of English and Literary Studies. During the lecture, we had discussed how the bride price system signified a form of ‘sale’ between two families, where the man has to pay the potential wife’s family in order for the woman to become a full fledged wife. It is a tradition that still holds sway, but that is not the point here. Beyond what you must have heard, hypergamy describes the act or desire of seeking a romantic partner who is of a higher socioeconomic status than oneself. It is a preference or strategy, not a movement for social justice.

The Great Confusion: Why Hypergamy Gets Mistaken for Feminism

You see, here lies the issue – one is a broad fight for equity and equality; the other is a personal dating filter. So, how, when and why did two very different, contrasting ideas become so tangled? The mix-up happens in the overlap of financial independence and choice. Let me explain.

I concur with the argument that modern feminist values have empowered women to be financially self-sufficient and to have standards. Women are no longer economically forced into partnerships. This freedom to choose is a cornerstone of empowerment in my honest opinion.

However, this is where the hijacking occurs. Not many so-called feminists have even the slightest understanding of what feminism means. Many of them practice misandry in the name of feminism and the latest are the younger demographic females – particularly the ‘Gen Z’ who have twisted the language of empowerment to justify purely materialistic goals. The concept of “having standards” morphs from seeking a respectful, equal partner to exclusively seeking a high-earner. The constant insult of “broke men” isn’t feminism; it is often just elitism or superficiality wearing a feminist mask. This madness has become more than a pandemic; it has resulted in the worst cases of misandry and vitriol speaking contests where the reputations of men are sacrificed on the altars of falsehood – often without repercussions!

Please, understand this simple truth – feminism in relationships isn’t about demanding a provider; it is about being capable of providing for yourself and choosing a partner who adds value to your life beyond their bank statement.

Beyond the Bag: What Real Feminist Empowerment Looks Like

Hey, if you’ve read up to this point, thank you. The essence of all I’ve been writing isn’t to say that wanting a financially stable or ambitious partner is wrong. Financial standards in dating are a practical reality for many people, regardless of gender, especially when considering building a family and a future. The key difference lies in approach and priority. I want you to know that true empowerment is using your career drive and ambition to build your own table. It is you saying, “I am capable and successful, and I want a partner who matches my energy, ambition, and values – whether that translates to his net worth or his character.” Try saying it. No, say it like you mean it.

Confused empowerment is saying, “I deserve a man who can give me a luxury lifestyle because I am a woman,” which ironically reinforces the very patriarchal idea of male providership it claims to reject. So, you do not want to get caught in a paradoxical loop; you want to stand on your values and claim to be a feminist. Real feminist relationships are about building a life together. It is a partnership where you both strive, support each other’s career growth, and see each other as equals. It is about wanting a man who is driven, not just one who has already arrived. It is about building a legacy together, not just stepping into his. There are many examples of women leading in this, in fact, too numerous to count.

Look around you, be the voice of reason and let’s correct this stereotype together. I believe in you to make the right choice.